Archive for the ‘Jack Schmeistingsneifer’ Category

Episode 46

March 5, 2009

Alarm bells sound throughout Daisingdale airport – there has been a crash. Emergency services arrive at the downed airplane within minutes, dragging two injured people from the wreckage. It is the picture of efficiency; each task tended to by expert individuals; each action contributing to a complex grand plan, as though the airport workers are semi-independent drones, controlled by some alien intelligence with a pulsating psychic brain and huge ooze-coated tentacles probing outwards with greedy intent.

On this occasion, the metaphorical Brainthing has only benevolent intentions – to rescue the two survivors, and to make safe the runways as quickly as possible. And yet, who knows what twisted ingredients such a peculiar creature might thirst for, as it slowly drowns in it’s own excreted juices? Certainly, it would not wish for the unthinkable fate which is about to ensue…

In the final moment before the crash, Europa Fortuna reached out to squeeze the hand of the confused pilot, Jack Schmeistingsneifer. At the moment his skin touched hers, the insidious double amnesia virus had already begun its work. In the overwhelming fear of the moment, perhaps Europa did not notice her cherished memories fading into the mists. Now, as she and Jack are passed from one paramedic to the next, the virus works it’s network ever outward, planting the seeds of deadly forgetfulness in every node.

The only question which remains is: can the airport’s efficient organizational structure, in which the administrators take such pride, and which – in so many ways – is like a grotesque vomit-inducing tentacle Brainthing, deal with the as yet unknown threat?


Episode 44

March 3, 2009

They say a good doctor can diagnose a patient just by watching how they walk into his office. What then can be said about Dr. Gnarlhawk Sinclair who – after stepping outside Daisingdale General Hospital to look for the disappeared Stockton Fortuna – has just witnessed the erratic passage of a low-flying jet of unfamiliar design, and thought that the pilot must be suffering from a memory-targeting affliction?

No doubt it would take the good doctor mere minutes, were he to meet Jack Schmeistingsneifer, to diagnose the rare condition double amnesia. The only cure for double amnesia is to administer sequentially two cures for regular amnesia – the first will restore the patient’s memory back to the moment they contracted single amnesia, the second will restore it in full. But the dangers are immense, to the patient as well as to those around him – for, unlike a single dose of amnesia, double amnesia is highly contagious… and fatal.

But Jack has a more immediate problem to worry about: The FX2 is hurtling towards Daisingdale airport with unabated speed, and he has no idea how to maneuver the plane. No doubt it would take some implausible, absurd convergence of unlikely circumstances to bring he and his passenger, Europa Fortuna, safely to the ground. Indeed it is probably fair to assume that they both will perish, so we turn our attention elsewhere…

Episode 40

February 27, 2009

Secret amnesiac Jack Schmeistingsneifer squirms nervously at the controls of the FX2 – Fortuna Industries’ experimental new jet. In the copilot seat the attractive young woman, whose name he has yet to relearn, seems transfixed by him. Finally, she speaks:

Europa: “I want you to know Jack, that if there’s anything you want to tell me…. you can. I’ve often thought that I’m an excellent listener. Only last week my brother Gordnauld was telling me something and I couldn’t help but wonder what a relief it must be to him, to have me being so attentive and comforting to him.”

Jack: “That sounds just like Gordnauld. He is your brother, after all.”

Europa: “Oh Jack, you know us all so well! And yet…”

She lowers her voice to a sultry whisper, mingling it delicately with the 110dB rattle of the FX2’s cockpit.

Europa: “…there’s still so much for you to discover.”

Jack: “You have no idea.”

Jack turns to Europa. Their eyes meet, like two ships in the night, each with a haggard old sailor in their crow’s nests, staring through nautical telescopes, into each other’s eyes.

The electricity of the moment (and, possibly, of the faulty circuitry in the cockpit controls) are too much for Jack’s already dysfunctional brain. He is completely overwhelmed and, although to Europa it appears that he has merely shuddered, he has just succumbed to double amnesia!

Episode 36

February 23, 2009

The FX2 rockets across the sky, it’s advanced auto-flight system making it almost completely unnecessary to have a pilot in the cockpit – a fortunate happenstance given that this particular pilot, Jack Schmeistingsneifer, is secretly an amnesiac and has no recollection of what any of the plane’s controls do.

In the passenger area, Europa Fortuna is troubled by the revelations of the mysterious Janitor – the man who seems to hold sway even over the U.S. Senate. Dropping into a comfortable seat, she notices a Sony ICD-B500 Digital Dictaphone on a low table. She picks it up and, checking to see that Jack is not approaching, presses play…

Jack: “Pilot’s log, supplemental… I’m on my way to Washington D.C. with Europa Fortuna. The FX2 is handling well, though the port-side gimbles seem to be retroactively sheering. Also, could I be falling in love with Europa?”

Europa gasps. A crackle of static later and the voice resumes.

Jack: “Pilot’s log, still supplemental. I can’t get Europa out of my mind. Everything seems to remind me of her… even this retroactive sheering of the port-side gimbles… which may be a retardation effect resulting from a deposit of tri-sealing coagulant disturbing the operation of the FX2’s bio-neural circuitry. On another note, I’m beginning to wonder if combining the pilot’s log with my audio diary was a bad idea.”

Episode 32

February 19, 2009

Secret amnesiac Jack Schmeistingsneifer cautiously operates the control panel of the FX2, preparing the experimental jet for takeoff. Beside him, the lovely young woman – whose name he has yet to learn – talks at length about her mother… or their mother – if they are brother and sister, that is… but they aren’t… but Jack doesn’t know that.

Europa: “Mother has always resented my lionhearted trail-blazing ways, and now it has fallen to me – of all people – to rescue her from a mysterious kidnapper.”

Jack nods, while trying to make the three blinking red lights before him revert to the, now preferable, two blinking red lights.

Europa: “Sometimes I wonder if everyone goes through these kinds of things…. Tell me about the Schmeistingsneifers, Jack.”

Jack: “The Shmystingsniferz?”

Europa: “Yes.”

Jack: “Um… well, it’s hard to describe.”

Europa: “It?”

Jack: “…They?”

A static crackle and then:

Radio: “…you are cleared for takeoff.”

Jack turns to Europa.

Jack: “I… have to be honest with you.”

Europa: “Please Jack, no… I’ve been so silly. Here I am trying to get you to tell me about the Schmeistingsneifers, just to lift my mind a little, when you’d much rather be concentrating on doing what you do best – flying this highly complex potential death-trap. I think I’ll go in the back and get a drink…”

Episode 28

February 15, 2009

The Janitor: “No more questions Europa. You’re wasting precious time.”

Europa: “What do you– um… I would be interested to know what you are talking about.”

The Janitor: “Oh, didn’t I mention it before? You’re mother has been kidnapped.”

Europa gasps, then turns to see Jack stirring on the ground. When she looks back towards the old janitor, he is gone.

Europa: “Oh Jack, did you hear? Mother has been kidnapped!”

Jack: “Kidnapped?… Mother?… Jack?…”

Europa: “Oh Jack! Please don’t tell me the beating you received has resulted in amnesia! That would be too much to bear after all these shocking revelations! I don’t think my delicate, alluringly feminine, constitution could take it.”

Jack gazes wide-eyed at her for the longest time.

Jack: “Don’t you worry about ol’ Jack. Jack is fine. You can count on Jacky… Jack. Sound of mind and body, that’s what they always say about Jack. And how could I ever forget….. you?”

Europa: “Oh thank God! Come quickly, I need you to fly the jet back to Daisingdale.”

Jack: “The jet? Well, that’ll be no problem for a… pilot like me. Jack the Pilot, that’s what they call me.”

Episode 25

February 12, 2009

Europa: “Nooooo!”

Europa screams as the crazed senators finally overpower Jack. Senator Basingstoke himself steps up, draws his foot back for a powerful kick, and..

The Janitor: “Stop this. Get out! All of you!”

Europa is shocked to see all of the senators turn in fear towards the old janitor, and then to begin filing out of the main doors. Brick doesn’t even look up at Europa as he passes by. Soon, the room is empty except for her, an unconscious Jack Schmeistingsneifer, and the old janitor.

Europa: “Who are you?”

The Janitor: “You would, most likely, drop dead from the sheer unexpectedness of any explanation of who I am, Europa Fortuna.”

Europa: “Why did you stop them?”

The Janitor: “That would also, most likely, shock you to death. Sufficed to say, you can tell your father that the debt has now been repaid… in full.”

Episode 22

February 9, 2009

The group of angry senators close in on Europa. Ex Air Force Colonel Jack Schmeistingsneifer is torn between defending the first woman to awake amorous feelings in him since The War, and allowing some of the highest representatives of the country he loves to accost her. After a moment of hesitation, he decides – with a fist to the face of the nearest senator.
Jack: “I’m punching you sir, but not the office.”
The 68-year-old Senator from South Dakota seems not to recognize the distinction.

Episode 17

February 4, 2009

Brick: “Guards! Have those intruders captured and removed!”

Guards rush from all directions at Europa and Jack. The ex Air Force Colonel charges and tackles them, the violence stirring up his troubling memories from The War.

Europa: “You may silence me today Senator Basingstoke, but you can’t silence all the other hard-working decent Americans who are continually inspired and awed by my courageousness!”

Brick: “I can and I will.” (to the audience)”I propose a bi-partisan intiative – Senators! Attack!”

Europa gasps as the senators rise up and approach.

Episode 14

February 1, 2009

In the Senate, Senator Brick Basingstoke is making his closing remarks prior to the Orphans for Oil vote.
Brick: “Each generation goes further than the generation preceding it because it stands on the shoulders of that generation. Not my words, but the words of Ronald Reagan. What then, can be said about these so-called orphans? These orphans who have no shoulders to stand on. These orphans who have no ground beneath them but that which was put there by the lies of the liberal media. Are we to continue wasting precious live-giving oil on-”
A door bursts open under the strength of Jack Schmeistingsneifer’s powerful kick!
Europa: “STOP!”