Archive for the ‘Gordnauld Fortuna’ Category

Episode 60

March 19, 2009

Rentwich braces himself for another blast from the fire hose. He aims it squarely at Gabriella and–

–a shoe knocks him squarely in the head. He staggers and falls off the phone booth. In the confusion, he pulls the hose’s lever and


The jet of water carries Rentwich skyward, he loses his grip on the hose, and arcs out of sight two blocks away.

Gabriella, thoroughly soaked, looks up as Gordnauld approaches – the same Gordnauld Fortuna whom she had been hired to kill, and who now stands before her wearing only one shoe.


Episode 59

March 18, 2009

María Florentina strides purposefully towards the Maldonado del Culebrón estate’s aviary. Her falconry session, with the regal red ovenbird Nearchus, had to be canceled after the receipt of the disturbing message from her agent – Gabriella.

Opening a wireframe door she deposits Nearchus in the aviary, and retires to the house. The other birds gawk at the returning favorite, with expressions Nearchus mistakes for the envy of lesser creatures. In reality, though they may not know the predatory exhilaration of the great sport of falconry, these simple birds are all too aware of the activities of Nearchus’ mate when he is absent from the aviary… An absence that today has been cut short.

Hopping suddenly onto his usual perch, Nearchus’ playful expression drops into one of utter shock, witness as he is to his mate and an audacious Italian gruccione engaged in a feather-ruffling adult situation that would make a peacock blush!

Episode 58

March 17, 2009

Gordnauld looks on in horror as the phone booth becomes a frothy white-water prison. It is by no means air-tight, but the sheer volume of water entering means that within seconds it is overflowing.

Rentwich: “Who do you work for!?”

Gordnauld: “Are you mad! She can’t hear you!!”

Rentwich stops the flow. Several seconds later the booth has discharged it’s water, leaving Gabriella soaked, battered and upside-down – her head resting on the floor of the booth.

Rentwich: “Who do you work for?”

Gabriella spits at Rentwich. Impressively, her spittle traverses the height of the phone booth and Rentwich combined, hitting him squarely in the face. He grimaces, and then prepares to start the flow again.

She turns, helpless, towards Gordnauld. Their eyes meet. The spot where Gabriella had struck Gordnauld with the frying pain tingles slightly as if to say, go to her.

He makes a decision…

Episode 57

March 16, 2009

Gabriella throws herself against the door of the phone booth, trying to escape before the lunatic on the roof drowns her with the fire hose. Now, Gordnauld Fortuna, the man whose murder she’d been hired to facilitate, has appeared on the dock.

Only moments before the young man had innocently believed that she wanted to cook an omelet – right up until the moment she brained him with the frying pan. He is a gormless fool, and yet… when she looks into his eyes and hears him desperately trying to control Rentwich, she can’t help but feel that-


Episode 55

March 14, 2009

Gordnauld comes to on the yacht to discover that Gabriella is gone. Somehow she’d gotten the jump on him…

He dashes onto the dock and is confronted with an almost unbelievable sight:

On the nearby road, a fire engine is parked, it’s siren blaring at full blast. Next to it, a quartet of firefighters are strewn about, unconscious, as if they had just been assaulted by a roving gang.

Next to the road is a phone booth – inside it: the mysterious Gabriella. She is banging her hands against the the plastic windows, but a rope is wrapped tightly  around the booth, keeping her trapped inside.

Perhaps the least surprising aspect of the whole scene – Rentwich is standing on top of the phone booth, trying to kick in the roof. In his arms he holds the nozzle of a huge fire hoze, which he is now forcing into the top of the booth.

Rentwich: “Who do you work for!?”

Gordnauld: “Stop this madness Rentwich!”

Rentwich: “We tried things your way Gordnauld, and look where it got us – one prisoner turned into dolphin chum, and the other getting a message out to her handlers. It’s time to do things the Rentwich way!”

Before Gordnauld can reply, Rentwich pulls a lever on the hose, and sends a torrent of water into the tiny phone booth.

Episode 54

March 13, 2009

It’d been a tough cruise, but finally they had reached land. Rentwich hadn’t had any agreeable company since his past self left on the other yacht.

They had started with two passengers/prisoners – the pilot who had downed their plane, and his accomplice, a Latin woman named Gabriella. Unfortunately Gordnauld had adamantly insisted that Rentwich not make any efforts to find out who the pair were working for.

One night, on Gordnauld’s watch, the pilot had lept overboard in a desperate effort to escape. By the time Rentwich was on deck a ravenous dolphin pod had found the pilot. He looked on with frustration as the silver-skin gagglers spewed red mists from their blow-holes.

Rentwich leaves Gordnauld to guard the girl and heads into the seaside town to find a liquor store. As he returns he is shocked to see Gabriella in a phone booth next to the dock, and Gordnauld nowhere to be seen! That damned boy!

Seeing an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, Gordnauld pulls out his cell phone and calls the fire department…

Episode 50 – Season One Finale

March 9, 2009

Now in possession of a bullet, Rentwich A and Rentwich B make short work of the nautical battle as the Gordnaulds look on in awe. Presently, they all stand on the deck of the captured yacht – a yacht which, to Gordnauld A’s eyes, looks almost identical to their own – with their prisoners: the pilot and an unrecognized woman.

Rentwich B: “This is where we have to part ways.”

He  spreads out a chart on a table, and begins scribbling notes.

Rentwich B: “We’ll take the prisoners on our ship, and head back to land. Rentwich, you and Gordnauld will take this ship and sail to these coordinates.”

Gordnauld A: “There’s nothing there. It’s the middle of the ocean!”

Gordnauld B: “There’s a temporal anomaly. If you hurry you’ll make it back to the islet just before you found the vampire’s burrow.”

Gordnauld A looks at Rentwich A, shocked and in hope of rational support.

Rentwich B (winking): “I understand you’re concern Gordnauld, but no one said you have to be casual about time travel…”

Rentwich A: “…just as long as you’re causal!

The Rentwichs laugh heartily at a joke Rentwich B had told weeks ago and had been waiting eagerly to setup.

Meanwhile in Daisingdale…

Senator Brick Basingstoke stands atop of hill overlooking the small city of Daisingdale – the home of the Fortunas, and the site of a recent outbreak of the double amnesia virus. Next to him, General Crisis Fluxfax oversees his troops as they get into position.

Brick: “Well General?”

Crisis: “The quarantine’s in place Senator. No one gets in or out of Daisingdale… Dead or alive.”

(And so ends Season One of Fortuna Favors the Bold… Come back tomorrow for the exciting Season Two premiere!)

Episode 49

March 8, 2009

Gordnauld A: “The… pilot?”

Rentwich A, shocked at hearing the other talk after two weeks of silence, takes a moment before responding.

Rentwich A: “Yes. After he sabotaged our jet and bailed out, he must have met an accomplice with a boat. But they didn’t count on the other Rentwich and Gordnauld knowing exactly where to find them…”

Before Gordnauld A’s mind can fully shift into gear, the pilot opens fire – Rentwich A pulls Gordnauld A to the ground just as shots start blasting into the doorway in which he had been standing. Rentwich A attracts the attention of his double.

Rentwich A: “If he has a gun, why don’t we have a gun?”

Rentwich B, lying on the deck for cover, draws a pistol out from the small of his back.

Rentwich B: “The gun’s no problem, but he’s using all the bullets!”

On the other ship, the pilot frantically reloads the six-shooter. In his panic, he drops one bullet – it falls to the deck and rolls out of sight. Meanwhile, on his pursuer’s ship, Gordnauld A – flat on the deck – notices something reflective next to some rigging on the port side.

Gordnauld B: “Quick Gordnauld! Pick it up!”

How could he possibility see it from over there? Dismissing the thought, Gordnauld A shimmies closer, stretches his arm, and grabs hold of the small metal object. It is a bullet. He looks curiously at it, at Gordnauld B and then at Rentwich B – on the opposite side of the boat… with an unloaded revolver.

(Whatever you do, don’t miss tomorrow’s Fortuna Favors the Bold – the spectacular fiftieth episode and mind-boggling conclusion to Season One of the internet’s most popular minute-a-day soap opera!)

Episode 48

March 7, 2009

Two weeks after his traumatic experience in the vampire’s lair, Gordnauld A lies wide awake on a bunk below deck. Since leaving the island in the dopplegangers’ yacht he has not said a word. He eats alone, sleeps fitfully at random hours, and does all that he can to avoid the dark of night.

The other Gordnauld, and the Rentwichs, respect his solitude, interracting with him only when it is necessary – but this morning, dear readers – it is of the upmost necessity.

A Rentwich comes crashing down the stairs and plants himself in front of Gordnauld A. He is dimly aware that there are two Rentwichs on board, as well as an apparent copy of himself, but Gordnauld A has not yet heard the explanation for this. He has no great desire to learn it.

Rentwich A: “We need you Gordnauld! We caught him again – and this time we have the weather gage!”

A blurry moment passes and Gordnauld A find himself on deck, where Gordnauld B and Rentwich B are hunkered down.

Rentwich A: “Look Gordnauld! There he is!”

Gordnauld A follows the pointed finger toward another similar-sized yacht, only a few lengths away. On the opposite deck a man – a familiar man – stands, holding a pistol.

Episode 47

March 6, 2009

Midwhile in the Mid-Atlantic…

Rentwich A is now face-to-face with Flandly Overture, the vampire who had been lying in wait until sunset. Behind him, Rentwich B holds firm, seemingly undisturbed by the undead creature’s sudden appearance.

Rentwich A: “So, it’s come to this. Well, you know as well as I do – after what happened in The War – that there’s no way I can harm you… You may as well just get it over wi-”

Before Rentwich A is finished, Flandly coughs up some vile vampire-inside goo, flails briefly, and falls to the ground. In his back, and forced in deep enough to pierce his heart, is the stake.

Another man vacillates slowly, his eyes distant, with his hand grasped as if still holding the stake. Victory, thy name is Gordnauld Fortuna.

He looks at Rentwich A, turns slowly towards Rentwich B, and then walks past them both into the night.

Rentwich A: “Gord-”

Gordnauld B: “Leave him… He needs some time alone.”

Rentwich A: “There’s two of you!… I would guess you were clones, except that none of my genetic material’s been unaccounted for since that unbagged turd in Phnom Penh back in ’98.”

Rentwich B: “The Mekong can move when she wants to.”

Rentwich A and B share a brief chuckle. Gordnauld B cringes.